Between astrological signs, Myers-Briggs Personality types, and ‘What Hogwarts House Are You’ quizzes, theres more options than ever to sort yourself into identifiable categories. This can be useful! Sometimes it’s comforting to be able to enter elements of yourself into an equation that will then tell you what type of person you are. But what can your favorite wine varietal teach you about yourself? As it turns out, a lot! After many hours of dedicated ‘personality science,’ I have mathematically figured out what your favorite varietal says about your personality, as well as what crime you will eventually go down for.
If your favorite wine varietal is pinot noir, you’re independently minded with a sense of refinement and class. You love order, hate a mess, and would excel as an interior designer or a small business owner. You will be sent to prison for the rest of your life for accidentally murdering your long-lost twin, believing them to be some phantom or demon sent from hell to steal your face and replace you.
If you like chardonnay, you’re a free spirited iconoclast with a love of nature and a happy-go-lucky attitude. You will eventually be caught after a string of successful bank robberies, and while you will spend the rest of your days behind bars, the authorities will never find the money and your terminally ill niece will be able to pay for her recovery.
If syrah is your wine varietal of choice, you love stirring up trouble and talking behind other peoples backs. Gossip is your middle name, and if there isn’t someone mad at you for revealing their secrets, than you’ve been having a bad week. When you get your life sentence, it will be because your enemies framed you for a triple-homicide that you didn’t commit, and you will be left with a choice to either prove your innocence through the law or break out of jail and take extrajudicial revenge.
Sauvignon blanc aficionados are known love deeply and fall hard. You wear your heart on your sleeve, and while some view your thin skin as a weakness, it’s actually a sign of a deep, complex soul. You will be sent to prison for the rest of your life after it is revealed that your once-trendy tech startup has been defrauding its investors for billions of dollars.