What is the Most Presidential Wine?

By now the signs are impossible to ignore. ‘Vote for X’ signs in peoples lawns. Long winded New York Times think pieces about the end of democracy. A resurgence of the insane deep state psy-op to try to make you believe that ‘caucus’ is a real word. That’s right, it’s President Time again. Didn’t we just do this? You might ask. It sure feels that way. But time waits for no one, and in just a few short months it will be time to cast your ballot. But until then, lets ask ourselves: if wines could be president, how would they govern? Read on for more about presidential wine.


If Chardonnay was president, they would be a master diplomat. War on the horizon? Avoided! Political crisis at home? Resolved! Critics would claim that Chardonnay is wishy-washy and wants to have it both ways, and if they find themselves in a situation that they can’t talk their way out of, they might not be able to take more decisive action. Chardonnay would be impeached 3 times for insider trading but would narrowly avoid removal each time.

Sauvignon Blanc

Sauvignon Blanc’s career as a presidential wine would be short but impactful. After heroically pushing several major reforms through congress and reshaping society for the better, Sauvignon Blanc would be assassinated by a lone gunman whos true motives would never be discovered due to their own untimely death.


As president, Syrah would flout democratic convention, show blatant disregard for nearly every political party and interest group, but would oversee the building a surprising amount of very pretty, very functional infrastructure. Contemporaries would hate them, but after 100 years, their opponents will be dead and their name will be on all the coolest bridges and dams.

Pinot Noir

As a presidential wine, Pinot Noir would ascend to the White House after the previous president and vice president are killed within seconds of each other after slipping on the same banana peel. Pinot Noir would try their best, but ultimately they would decline to run for reelection and would retire to the countryside.


If Rosé was president, all world conflict would cease immediately. Hunger would end, poverty would end, enemies would embrace as brothers, every day would be 70 degrees and sunny. Everyone would get sports cars and huge mansions and nothing bad would ever happen again.

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