Well, it’s finally happened: 12 years after the release of the original, James Cameron’s beautifully realized sequel Avatar: The Way of Water is in theaters and on track to become one of the highest grossing movies of all time. It’s a cinematic event to be sure, lovingly crafted by Big Box Office Jim to make you feel for 3 hours like you are actually living in the gorgeous alien world of Pandora, swimming with whales and drinking weird blue Avatar wine.
Unfortunately, you do not. The crushing realization that happens as you walk out of the theater, this dark knowledge that you will never swim with the mighty Tulkun nor fly between the narrows of the Ayram Alusing, is devastating and well documented. While PADS (Post Avatar Depression Syndrome) can be alleviated by going back to the movies, each visit to the home of the Na’vi will only worsen the symptoms. That’s where we come in. Here are the three best wines to help you forget the entrancing power of Avatar: The Way of Water
Chardonnay is a white wine best served chilled. It’s great for drinking while at the beach or near a different body of water, and maybe if you drink enough of it you’ll be able to convince yourself that Earth’s normal, boring oceans and lakes are any bit as cool as the great reefs of the Metkayina Clan. They aren’t, obviously, but that’s what the chardonnay is for. A good Avatar wine if ever there was one.
As reds go, a Zinfandel is exceptionally strong and rich. The hope here is that when you drink it, it’s earthy tones and high alcohol content will act like a splash of cold water or a cup of coffee, shocking the system into the present moment and leaving the stunning world of Pandora behind. You are earthbound, Zinfandel will say to you. You will never be an 8 foot tall blue demigod. Leave your dream behind.
Maybe the best way to cast aside your obsessive desire to abandon your pathetic human form and take up the powerful body of a Na’vi warrior is to replace it with a new obsession. Pandora is not real, and thus you can never actually fulfill your fantasies, but Rosé is, and you can enjoy a glass whenever you like. So do yourself a favor. Rip off the bandaid and instantly replace it with a new one. Build up your Rosé stash, and watch as the amount of times you wake up in cold sweat wondering why you don’t have a tail drops ever downward. Looking for a good Rosé brand? Crack open a bottle of Amarose today.