It’s the Fourth of July, which means, barbeque, fireworks, and displays of patriotic fervor! While beer is generally considered to be the drink of the holiday, America is a melting pot, and that means that wine drinkers have a place too. However, since the founding of this great nation, there have been a few rules put in place to make sure that wine drinking americans have their loyalties in the right place. Wine is, after all, a very european beverage and thus can often denote its enjoyers as cowardly, or evil, or just plain unamerican. Don’t worry, though! We’ve compiled a special guide to teach you how to employ patriotic wine practices during this Independence day.
Open your bottle with a gun
On any other day its best to simply uncork your wine, or if your feeling fancy knock the top off with a saber, but on the fourth of July the only way to open a bottle is by blasting its top off with the highest caliber firearm you can find. This rule of thumb originated during the signing of the declaration of independence, when Thomas Jefferson held up a bottle of Ye Olde Pinot Grigio for Ben Franklin to shoot open with a musket. Be sure to practice gun safety when doing this, and be prepared for your wine to taste strongly of lead, gunpowder, and glass shards.
Before taking a sip, announce your capitalist convictions aloud.
In the 1950s, Senator Joseph McCarthy passed Jefferson and Franklin’s Independence Day Wine Rule from tradition into law, and added an addendum of his own: If you are a truly patriotic wine drinker, after you shoot the bottle open but before you take a sip you will yell at the top of your lungs, “I am not now nor have I ever been a member of the Communist Party!” While this is no longer a legal requirement thanks to revisions made by the Clinton Administration, people will still give you weird looks on the Fourth of July if you don’t do it.
When you have finished your wine, thank the presidents in order.
Finally, once you have successfully finished your patriotic wine experience, you should thank each individual President, from Washington to Biden, for allowing you to enjoy such delicious nectar. It is expected, though not required, that each president’s thanks is personalized with a short dedication. Once you’ve finished, you’ve successfully drank your wine like an American.